I'm sorry sir, you're not on the guest list... Well, in just two weeks, our grotty hell-hole has become a beautiful designer bathroom — In fact, it’s so posh I keep thinking that a guy is going to hand me a towel and expect a tip every time I take a slash, it’s that posh. Oh, and a free pint if you can name the photographer on the wall.

None of the builders disappeared and so far nothing has gone too drastically wrong.

Now for the bill;-)